


Screaming in my head

by Superwholock88



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hearing Voices, Multi, Not A Fix-It, Not Canon Compliant, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Stiles Stilinski Has Low Self-Esteem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 05:20:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6598378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Superwholock88/pseuds/Superwholock88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles thinks he's not good enough because of the voice in his head. It constant reminds him what a loser he is amongst other things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Screaming in my head

**Author's Note:**

> Well you see originally I was just channeling my dark feelings our on paper and it became this. On the plus side I'm not feeling as down anymore. Not sure what that says about me. Anyway enjoy or well sort of. 
> 
> * indicates voice in his head

I'm tired. 

So freaking tired all the time.   
Living is exhausting.   
But I can’t just give up. Hell I’ve tried twice and neither attempt was successful. My brain is supposedly this amazing thing to have.   
“you’re a genius, literally” they say  
As if that makes it a gift. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this. My brain just does not shut up. Ever! Some days I just want peace and quiet but then my brain decides to fuck with me.   
*Hey remember last month when you royally screwed up helping the pack. Everyone knew it was you who screwed things up but you’re just to pitiful for the others to tell. God what are you even. I mean seriously why do you keep pushing your way in. You aren’t a werewolf. You are just a fucked up human with ADD that doesn’t know when to shut up.*

*What the hell is wrong with you. Really a panic attack! You are such a pathetic wimp. Get it together. Unless you actually want the others to realize you aren’t of use. Only God knows why they haven’t tossed you yet.*

*haha yeah real smooth move coming out there. Even your father doesn’t believe it.*

*Pathetic*

*Loser*

*Useless*  
‘Shut the hell up brain!”  
I yell out loud. Glad dad is working the late shift.  
I sigh and roll over. It’s 4 in the fucking morning, of course it is. Throwing back the covers I stomp to my bathroom.   
I sigh in relief as the burning sting washes across my thighs. Just two this time. Isaac smelled blood last time.   
*It’s not like they’d care if they knew how pathetic you are*  
Maybe just a couple more slices.  
I fall back into bed and manage a couple hours of sleep until the alarm goes off at 7.   
Damn. I’m still alive. 

Sighing I get dressed and head out the door. Scott and Isaac climb into the jeep laughing.   
“Hey Stiles, Derek says pack meeting tonight were having a werewolf slumber party. ‘We need to bond more’ he says” Scott tells me while Isaac snorts. I force a laugh.   
“Tell almighty Sourwolf I’ll be there” I say casually.   
*He didn’t bother to text you, see he doesn’t really want you around*   
“Stiles, you ok” Isaac asks when I grimace.   
“Peachy keen, jelly bean just a bit of a headache. It’ll pass” I lie easily. We finish the drive to school singing to the radio.   
*seriously you subject them to that awful voice, god what is wrong with you*   
*Harris is in fine form, probably the only one to actually treat you the way you should be.*   
I sigh as I settle in for detention.   
My phone vibrates.   
“Are you still coming to pack night” – Sourwolf  
“Yeah just as soon as I’m let out of hell” I text back  
“you could do something crazy like not get detention, lol” vibrates back.   
*see he’s getting sick of dealing with your shit*  
*you are just going to be in the way anyway, why are you going*   
*at least one person knows the real you, Harris knows that you are worthless*   
I stop by the house for some clothes and to check my freshest cuts make sure none of them are bleeding before heading to the Hale house. 

I’m the last to arrive of course. 

*making everyone wait on the human, way to go*   
“Hey guys, sorry I’m late” I say upon entering.   
“no problem, Stiles. We’re trying to decide pizza or Chinese you get the deciding vote because otherwise we’re tied” Derek explains.   
*they just feel bad for you, they don’t really need you*   
“uh idk whatever, sounds good to me” I say  
“Jesus Stilinski it’s not that difficult of a decision, even you should be capable of that” Jackson remarks   
*ha see Jackson at least isn’t afraid to call out your stupidness*  
“Let’s do pizza” I say shrugging. Erica, Jackson, Scott and Isaac groan as Lydia and Allison high five.   
*Wow going against your best friend, you sure know how to screw things up*  
Derek orders and I sit down by Scott. We are half way through the first x-men movie when the pizza arrives. I get the plates out and handed around making sure everyone has food before getting a slice myself.   
“that all you’re going to eat, you didn’t eat lunch” Scott says.  
*how pathetic, can’t you do anything right*   
“Yeah I’m just not hungry” I tell him. Derek looks at me sharply but doesn’t say anything.   
By the time the third movie is on most of the pack are asleep. I can’t sleep. I slip into the bathroom as quietly as possibly.   
*you should just leave now, no one will miss you*   
*they’d probably be better off actually*  
*like Harris said once a failure, always a failure*  
I lock the door before pulling out my handy tool.   
Just one this time. 

It’s only a small one, no big deal and for now the voice is silent.   
I unlock the bathroom door and walk right into Derek who catches me before I can fall.   
*oh god he had to touch you, poor thing*   
“What’s going on, Stiles” he asks leaning against the door frame.   
“What do you mean, nothing is going on” I tell him.   
*yeah it’s not like you are bat crap insane talking to yourself*   
“the others have noticed to. You’re off ever since that pack came through” Derek says unintentionally creating perfect pictures of that night to flood back into my head. I don’t realize I’m sitting on the floor until I hear him speaking.   
“Shh, it’s ok Stiles. You’re safe now” Derek says  
*Wow now he’s definitely going to kick you out*   
“Sorry” I mutter not looking at him.   
“Why, you didn’t do anything wrong” Derek says.   
“Ha, yeah besides being a spastic pathetic loser who fails at everything” I blurt out.   
Derek has his angry eyebrows on.  
“Why would you say that about yourself” he asks   
“Because it’s true, you don’t have to pretend it’s not.” I say sharply.   
“Stiles, you aren’t pathetic by any means. You saved all of us by figuring out they had a sorcerer attached to them. We wouldn’t have survived if you hadn’t” Derek says.   
“Yeah because it was oh so helpful to Isaac and Scott who had to relive some of their worst memories, or you. If I was really worth a lick of salt I’d have figured it out sooner and you guys wouldn't have been subjected to that” I answer.   
*yeah cause yelling at him is really going to help*   
Derek is silent for a moment   
*way to go he’s probably reliving it now, god could you be any worse of a person*  
“You really believe that, Stiles?” Derek says finally his voice ragged with emotion.   
*great now you’ve upset him you seriously should reconsider taking your father’s gun*   
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Look I’ll just go. You can finish bonding with your pack.” I tell him standing up and pushing myself away from the wall.   
“What, no. You’re not leaving.” Derek says popping up quickly.   
*now he feels sorry for poor pathetic stiles*   
*can’t even keep it together for one night*   
*you ruin everything*  
*pathetic*   
*loser*  
“STILES” Derek yells breaking past the voice. I look at him slowly.   
There’s no pity on his face.   
“Come here, please” he asks softly. I shuffle towards him slowly. He reaches out as soon as I’m within arms distance.   
“Why are you hugging me” I ask feeling confused and disoriented.   
“Because you need it and deserve it. How long has it been going on” he asks still not letting me go.   
“What are you talking about” I ask my heart thudding away.   
“The voice, the one saying all these things. Telling you that your nothing. How long has that been going on” Derek clarifies.   
“Oh I don’t know since my mom died off and on. Its been louder lately though” I admit for some reason.   
“What all does this voice say” Derek questions.   
“Just stuff. Reminding me of my mistakes, keeping me in my place. You think I’m crazy huh” I surmise.   
“Not at all. I understand. The voice is wrong though” he says I snort.   
“No its isn’t. I am pathetic and weak. I know you guys only keep me around because you feel bad for me. And like a true idiot I just keep showing up. Ruining everybody’s good time. I shouldn’t be here” I admit.   
“Here with the pack” Derek questions. I shrug, not really wanting to answer.   
“Stiles, you are the most important member of this pack. We would not even be a pack of it wasn’t for you.” He says I try to interrupt.   
“No just answer some questions for me. Who helped Scott when he got turned” Derek asks   
“Me, but” I say before he interrupts me.   
“Who figured out what Isaac was going through and convinced him to leave home” he continues on.   
“Me” I say weakly.   
“Who was there for Lydia when her parents forgot her birthday, or when Jackson was sitting at the top of the bridge thinking he was unwanted, or Allison who thought she didn’t belong, or Erica and Boyd who talked them into coming back” Derek says. I don’t answer.   
“You, Stiles. You did all of that and without expecting anything back. You are the most selfless, kind person I’ve ever met. You aren’t the things the voice says. And you aren’t alone” he says and I lose any semblance of control. Sobbing into his shirt. I fall asleep that way and wake up surrounded by cuddly wolves.   
I don’t magically feel better but I’m not sad to be alive either.

**Author's Note:**

> The voice isn't really meant as any sort of mental thing idk how to explain it. I'm not crazy but it's what I hear from time to time. My brain doesn't shut up sometimes.


End file.
